Conquering Fear

My eye looks terrible after the accidental fall on Saturday, but it doesn't even hurt.  (If you haven't heard, read back about 2 posts for the details.)  The real problem is my foot.  I'm worried I've damaged the titantium implant.  I should have xrayed it at the Emergency Room on Saturday afternoon, but I didn't realize how bad it was.  Now, I really can't walk.  Oh, I can move around, but I can't walk more than 50 feet at this point.  Ice has been my best friend for the past 5 days - so far, I've used up one ice bin full and 30 lbs of bought ice. 

What's actually happening is that I'm afraid.  This whole incident is bringing back those years when I couldn't walk, and when Drake had to do everything.  At least he's not working this time, and has a small house to keep up.  I'm terrified of a repeat episode of not being able to walk because of severe pain. Fear robs me.  Fear paralyzes me.  Fear feeds worry, and encourages me to think negatively. It's been discouraging how easy it's been to slide into this type of thinking. 

I've been running worst case scenarios through my mind these past few days as I sit with my foot up.  I used to do this in my teens and 20's as a coping mechanism.  I thought if I just figured out all the variables in an unknown situation, then rehearsed in my head what my reaction would be to each possibility, I would always be prepared and never look stupid.  Such a teenage thing to do.  Even worse, this kind of future projecting is insidious.  As I got older, I discovered what a hard habit "futuring" was to break.  Figuring out variables and being prepared to cope with all eventualities is admired in our go-go society.  People use words like organized, far-thinking, and competent.  In actuality trying to predict the future is ultra-stress producing.

Over the past few days I've had to re-learn letting go and facing each day  with a cheerful heart, and a positive head confident that each problem will get solved as it arises.  It's been a struggle.  I think I hit bottom the other day, so the only place to go mentally is up.  God knows, I don't want to be a bottom feeding catfish in a pond of despair.   In an even smarter move, I also spread the word among my faithful friends and tapped into a powerful prayer chain,   If you are just reading about this, I'll take all the prayers I can get.  Pray not only for healing, but for my head to stay positive.  Now, I have to attend the physical part and have Drake bring me another ice bag. 

Three Days Later...

 I'm enjoying my black eye; it's never been painful.  It's subsided into magenta and gold (mostly). Today, I painted up my other eye to match it, coordinated my T-shirt and jewelry, and went to Art on the Lawn.  This is a fundraiser festival for the Logan High School Art program.  This is such a small town that several of the artists I met at Summerfest recognized me.  If I came here every summer, I'd be helping to put on this function.  Fundraising for high school programs in the arts hits me right where I like to live. 

Foot news..., getting better.  Still not 'great' but I was able to walk around for 3 hours today and tolerate the pain.  Getting out today boosted my spirits, and made me hopeful that this stupid foot will slowly improve.   

Keep on praying friends, and I'll stop 'futuring'.   
   

Mormons, Mormons, We are the Mormons

Since we are in Utah, there are lots of Mormons.  Now, contrary to what some believe, they don't wear badges that say, Hi, I'm a Mormon.  I was surprised to learn that there are actually two portions of each Mormon church:  The tabernacle (open to anybody), and the temple (only Mormons allowed).  The Logan Temple is on top of a hill and surrounded with an 8 foot high decorative fence.  The hill location is by design.  More on that later.....after I've toured the biggie in Salt Lake City.  The tabernacle and temple are totally separate buildings.  The Logan Temple and Tabernacle are the second oldest ones in Utah; only St. George's religious buildings are older.  They were started in the 1870's and were finished in the 1880s.  Piecing together other information I've gleaned, this church is very formal, and dictates not only behavior, but also WHERE you attend church.  The temple isn't used for regular Sunday morning services.  There are what we Methodists would call 'churches' all over town.  You're assigned to one of these 'churches'.  These all like visitors, and have banners out front - saying 'Visitors Welcome'!  I could have taken a Get to know your Mormon Neighbors class as a summer citizen, and now I wish I had.      

Logan's tabernacle is the home of the daily concert.  Remember, I told you that in the summer there are more things to do than you can possibly imagine?  One of the 'things' is a daily concert at the town's Mormon Tabernacle.  So far we've been going to two or three a week.  This is all local talent.  They draw on the USU staff, and students.  Today there was  a trio (guitar, drums, bass) playing jazz.  It was cool, it was hep, it was sublime.   The group leader, the guitarist, is actually a music professor at USU (last time I'm telling you this - pay attention:  USU = Utah State University).  We have also seen a young couple - she plays the violin and the piano.  He plays the piano, saxaphone, guitar, clarinet and the banjo.  He also composes music.  In addition to lots of talent they had that 'we're young, we're newly married, and we're so in love' thing going for them.  We also saw a string quartet that is the string faculty at USU - they have an international reputation.  Then there was Banjo Man and Company - a retired Theriot employee who makes music with his family (wife on the bass and son on the violin).  Our other favorite was the Lightwood Duo (guitar player paired with clarinet/bass clarinet player).  These guys are also on the faculty of USU, and they have been playing together for 40 years.  The got their start in heavy metal, thus, their current group name is the antithesis of that.  The feature of the tabernacle is this phenomenal organ which we haven't had a chance to hear yet, but a concert is coming up.    

The concerts have Ushers who answer any and every question you can think of to ask including "Where do you get your hair cut?"  I spotted a woman usher who wears her hair extremely short like I do.  I've discovered that's my best source for hair dressers are strangers with short hair.  She was happy to share her operator's name with me.  I'm also trying to get a tour of the new temple being built in Brigham City through her.  Once the Mormon temple is dedicated, non-Mormons are not allowed.  Keep your fingers crossed.

Another feature of Mormon life is children, lots and lots of children.  In my class most of the other students seem to come from large families -the winner on that front:  a young woman shared that she has 10 brothers and she's the only girl in the family.  As she put it, 'Pretty, Pretty Pony' was rarely the game chosen for family play.   Walmart sells childrens' cereals in dog food sized bags Can you imagine 25 lbs of Lucky Charms?  The childrens' clothing departments seem twice the size I'm used to.  It's most usual to see a pregnant woman holding a baby on her arm, with a toddler in a stroller being pushed by a child barely tall enough to see over the handles.  Truthfully, after being in Sun City the home of the decrepit, it's been refreshing to see so many children.   

Everything was Going Well...Until I Fell

I was doing the field work for the kind of blog that my readers like - taking a tour of individual home gardens.  I was having a wonderful time making new friends, casually interviewing home owners, and snapping a zillion flower pix for my flower lover readers.  As we left one house, the local postman was raving about this old house on Crockett (one of the few named streets in Logan) which had a marvelous garden.  My friends and I found ourselves driving by Crockett Street and decided to find the house.  It was everything the postman said, so Joyce and I hopped out to take a few quick pictures while Connie waited in car. It's been unseasonably warm here, and she was hot. 

Walking up to the curb, my bifocals saw one curb when there were actually two.  My clutczy self took over, and I tripped.  I didn't fall immediately; instead, I took two or three off balanced running steps trying to get rebalanced.  It didn't work.  Clutching my camera in one hand, I hit the pavement - hard - face first.  Joyce, standing right next to me at the time, said my head bounced off the pavement like a golf ball. 

My face above my eye had an instant goose egg.  In five seconds time, I went from a smooth countenance to a 2" bump popping out of my face.  My glasses, my new $500 pair of glasses, had smashed into my face.  Laying on the sidewalk, I was stunned.  Then, the pain started, and the blood started.  Fortunately, there wasn't too much blood.  Unbelieveably, my lens only cut a couple of small slices in my eyebrow.  Above my kneecaps were burned and slightly abraded, but my knee caps seemed OK.  Elbows fine.  I started to breathe a little easier, and my friends went into action.  Joyce obtained ice and a cloth from a lady across the street, and Connie started mopping up the blood with Kleenexes.  We all agreed that I need to get HOME.  

I was back home within 15 minutes of falling; and then the adrenaline wore off.  I really hate that feeling, all nauseated and shaky.  I began to notice that perhaps I hadn't gotten off scot free after all.......  Within 30 minutes we were at the hospital to make sure I hadn't broken any bones in my face or my hand which had belatedly began hurting even through ice packs.  But the worst of all, my bad foot with it's artificial joint was screaming at me.  Too late, I began to ice it, but it continued to swell.

I was pretty miserable most of the night.  This morning I have a deluxe shiner, my hand is swollen, my shoulder joint is hurting, and my foot is screaming with pain when I try to walk.  Of course, I'm borrowing trouble, and worrying that I've damaged that artificial joint, but in truth, the swelling is making the damaged nerves hurt in a way they haven't hurt for more than five years.  I can barely walk, but my typing ability has returned.  I'm icing and icing and icing.  Drake isn't letting me walk any more than I have to.  

Other bad news, my camera is toast.  It hit the ground when I did, and it's mortally wounded.  The good news is that the flower pictures were already saved.  I'm not putting up any pictures of myself because I really look battered.  I don't want to scare any little children.  This all just really sucks.

On the positive note:  Here are the flowers.     https://picasaweb.google.com/jalyss1/2012UtahFlowers?authkey=Gv1sRgCJbc44Xtj8m_pAE#5757763928024853794

It wasn't just another Art Festival

Summerfest is the big Logan Festival each June.  July is devoted to Opera - go figure.  Anyway, Summerfest was a collection of 175 tents laid out in a big X with a portable food court and entertainment venue (a stage with a folding chair audience).  The tents were filled with arts and crafts; heavier on the crafts than the arts.

This festival is held on the grounds of the Tabernacle, and the grounds are beautiful.  A variety of  wonderfully mature trees provide shade and it's covered some kind of weirdo grass - not bermuda, not St. Augustine - and, of course, no one here knows what it's called.  Once again, I'm finding new vegetation that no one who lives here knows the name of.  As the summer season progresses, I sometimes get AHA moments especially with some of the trees I pass walking to class everyday.I now know what a live cherry tree looks like - and there are actually cherries growing on it.  I've also discovered a pear tree and an apple tree, all three about 100 feet from our condo.  

There's a perfume corridor on my way to class.  Some row of unknown trees is BLOOMING.  The clumps of flowers hang down like small bells each flower the size of your little finger, and you can smell the fragrance all over the campus.  Again, no one I've asked has any idea what the name of the tree is.  I'm going to have to break out the tree book and see if I can deduce what it is.  

Back to Summerfest.......the food was terrific - definitely a cut above fair food.  I had a crepe.  The potters were the best artists of the show, and we bought a piece.  Drake bought me a new necklace of varisite - a mineral found in northern Utah as a souvenir of this trip.  It's pale green with some white varigation in it.  The very best part of the day:  the weather, it was perfect.      

           

Hitting the Trail

We're been working hard to get back into physical shape.  It's startling how fast you lose your muscle tone and cardio fitness.  One of the attractions of Logan is the access to the gyms and pools at USU.  You all know Drake AKA the Zen Discipline Master, so he demands that we work out in some form or other five days a week. 

If that's not enough, we have been 'hiking'.  The topography here is river valley ringed by rolling hills and real mountains.  Definition of a real mountain:  You can still see snow on top of it in JUNE. Hiking starts just 15 minutes out of town.  We took the Wind Cave hike, and that one was real, real, real at four miles and 900 feet elevation gain.  I could barely walk the next couple of days.  We did discover there's a river trail hike that winds along the Logan River for miles and miles.  Parts of it are right at water level, but other parts are on top of small limestone cliffs, so there is some mild challenge to this hike.  

In my opinion the best part of the hike were the flowers.  I actually saw a few wild flowers I'd never seen before.  As always, this hike is told in pictures.  You can get a feel for how lovely this valley really is. 

https://picasaweb.google.com/jalyss1/2012UtahRiverTrailHike?authkey=Gv1sRgCJaitvCcwPDUJg#     

A Logan Secret

Here's a Logan secret:  This town has an inferiority complex.  Every where I go, Loganites want me to gush over this town and tell them how fabulous it is.  "Isn't this just the best place!!!!"  "We love it here."  By inference, so should I.   Truthfully, this town is an escape from reality.  I have been wondering if Drake and I have unwittingly time traveled.  I would swear to you that I'm now living in 1962, and it's not just that I saw someone in a turban towel walking around their front yard.  It's the unrepressed cheerfulness in a gee wilikers, golly, gee whiz way.  Everything is freshly scrubbed, ruthlessly ordered, and monotonously homogeneous.  These Loganites are clean living and clean hearted.  I suspect that 'Happiness is a Warm Puppy' is on the bookshelves, and Mr. Ed is on the TV's in this town.  I keep expecting to hear Chubby Checkers singing The Twist.   

I haven't seen so many children since, well, 1962, so sex must be alive and well here.  There are kids everywhere.   This town is overlaid with a soundtrack of high pitched voices that say 'Mom....Mom....Mom' like birds calling.  It's been a pleasure to have kids swirling around, but I know I am in an alternative universe because the concept of 'stranger danger' hasn't penetrated this town.  I was in the Village Inn last week in the bathroom.  Coming out of the stall, there was a little girl, about 10 years old, washing her hands at the only sink.  The papers towels were in this big roll without perforations.  I just tore off a section and handed them to her since it's hard to do with wet hands.  I didn't speak to her because in the metroplex of any major city, if I had spoken, any savvy girl would have immediately left the bathroom as fast as her legs could carry her.  Well, actually, no 10 year old in a metroplex would have been going to the bathroom in a public place ALONE.  Anyway, she not only started talking to me, but stayed and tore off a piece of paper for me and then held the bathroom door for me when we left.  When I said, "Thank you.", she replied, "You're welcome, Ma'am"  See?  1962.

Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "And this is bad?"  Not exactly, but it seems unreal.  It's very relaxing, but also strangling.  I find myself wondering how Loganites handle the seamier sides of life because those sides exist no matter how cheerful you are.    Something to ask about.  Something to find out.  Meanwhile, I'll just see if I can find my saddle shoes, dig out my Kingston trio records, and find my twinsets - then, if I can check my profanity, I'll fit right in.             

Looking Over the Blogs.......Critiquing the Prof

I've just been browsing all the blogs of my USU classmates.  I'm interested in almost all of them.  OK, that's just being kind - I'm mildly interested in most, really interested in a couple and just minimally interested in some.  No, I'm not going to say which ones; these kiddos might read this, and I'm not going to be so cruel as to say - "Oh, give me a break; this is soooooooo boring.".

I had someone ask me the other day how different was it to be the student instead of the teacher.  I've been pondering that.......  Here's what I have come up with:

Decided to add one of my 'school' pix just for fun

1)  Less pressure.  I'm not responsible for 90 minutes of being 'on' 

2)  Tendency to mentally critique the teaching of the professor - I spent so many hours mentoring new teachers, sitting in on other teachers' classes that during class I'm carrying on an interior dialogue simultaneously with being a student.  There's a tape inside my head going:   "Don't do that!"  "Yikes!!"  "Good analogy"  "Come on, say it a different way." and stuff like that. 

3)  Find myself wanting to help him out when he asks a question and there's dead silence

4)  Restate what he's trying to get across in a different way when I see that several of the kids just don't get what he's trying to teach.   (I'm sure he doesn't appreciate that.)

5)  Find myself wanting to be the 'devil' student - haven't done it yet, just daydream about it

6)  I realize I have responsibilities as a student, and I try to fulfill them because it makes it easier on the prof - who I identify more with during class than the other students

7)  Envious as hell.  The Prof doesn't have to convince students to a) quit fucking around, b) listen, c) participate

8)  Difficult to not have the POWER in the class

9)  Wondering if I missed something by not teaching at the college level.

10)  So grateful every morning that I'm actually learning something NEW