At 67 years old, I'm contemplating, with a bit of trepidation, another first day of school. How silly is that? Now, don't get me wrong, it's not the heart pounding, palm sweating, who will notice I'm too fat, thin, tall, short, with a big zit, and bad hair type of anxiety common to 12 year old girls starting middle school (or in my case, junior high). However, I am surprised I feel even mild anxiety.
For anyone who doesn't know, I've enrolled in a class at baby college (aka Glendale Community College). The class I'm starting next week is Art History: Renaissance to Contemporary Art. It's going to be a wonderful class I've wanted to take for a long time. This is a dream opportunity for someone who never met a museum she didn't like. At least that's my expectation until proven wrong. There are 30 people in the class, and my hope is I'll be the only old fogy.
A primary goal for taking this class is to become acquainted with some people who are in their late teens or early 20's. That's a real uphill battle. People who are just ten years old than me say they are 'invisible' to younger people. So, my real concern is not really about the first day as much as it is about trying to bridge the age gap I'm expecting.
Isn't it interesting even with my six plus decades of life experiences, I'm still anxious about putting myself in a new situation? Yes, this will be my 20th 'first day of school', but those four words still evoke a sense of 'will I be liked and where will I fit in' this group. It doesn't matter how old we are; we are still influenced by social hierarchy. (This is a theory proposed by the anthropologist, Elman Service - you can look it up.) In tribal/social hierarchy, people rank themselves in comparison to others. We also somewhat inaccurately compare ourselves to chickens by referring to 'a pecking order' within a group. Or, in high school we talk about the cool kids, the jocks, the goths, the band kids, the nerds, and the druggies. Then, there are sub-set orders of importance inside the various 'tribes'. This ranking system carries over to every aspect of our lives.
This drive to 'fit in' or to 'stand out' is a constant push/pull for me. I have trouble conforming to norms, but at the same time, I'm also aware of being molded during my childhood to live a certain type of life. In parts of my life, I've played out those parental/social expectations: I married too young. I stayed home with a child. My main work was in a 'traditional' woman's career.
Outside of the norms, we were married fifteen years before we ever had a child. We postponed childbirth to an advanced age. We had an only child when multiple children were preferable. I blazed a path in the business world in the 1970's, but then chose to stay home when doing so marked you as 'less than' in the eyes of other women. Choosing to teach fulfilled my parents' expectation of the 'right' life for me, but the kids I taught went against that norm. We lived the traditional life for twenty five years, then all of a sudden, we downsized to a storage unit and started the vagabond lifestyle.
Now, I'm going against the norm again by enrolling in a college class. There are lots of silly short terms classes of a few weeks designed for seniors most of which make me want to roll my eyes. I got another friend interested in the idea of taking a college class, but she's concerned about having to take the tests and write papers. I laughed. During in my prior adult schooling, those activities were always the fun part. Then, I reconsidered. Some of my anxiety is based on can I compete intellectually with the younger set.
Then, there's the hassle of being somewhere twice every week, at a fixed time. For the retired, leaving the working world means leaving the time clock behind. The element of having to go to class seems to curtail one of the illusions of time freedom retired people cherish. In reality, the retired quickly fill up their calendars with places or commitments to which they have to appear at fixed times.
Ultimately, this class falls into the category of nothing ventured, nothing gained. Yes, I'm anxious about a new situation. However, I'm bored in Snooze City, but if I do nothing to change my patterns then I deserve to be bored. This is a big pattern changer. Choosing to take a real college class, attempting to connect with people over forty years younger than myself, and learning new things certainly gets me out of the Sun City dynamic. I think this class is going to be a good thing but stepping up to it is still a risk.
P.S. In an effort to ease the anxiety I can fix, I already went over to the campus to find my classroom and know where to park. Now, if I could just figure out what to wear the first day...
