I have one genius friend who forwards to me wonderful things which pop up on the internet.
[NOTE: MY 'DO NOT FORWARD POLICY IS STILL IN EFFECT FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GENIUS.]
Her latest is a public service announcement directed at people who did not pay close enough attention in English class, and now discover they actually have to communicate in writing just like your English teacher told you would happen.
[NOTE: NOT TRUE. NOT A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, BUT THE REST OF THE STATEMENT IS TRUE!]
I've helpfully 'splained' each underlined grammar joke.
[NOTE: 'SPLAINED' IS NOT A REAL WORD. FURTHER NOTE: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A GRAMMAR JOKE EXCEPT TO ENGLISH TEACHERS.]
Are you ready????????
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
(Conjugate: different forms of the verb. Declension: different forms of a noun.)
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other who takes him for granite.
(Malapropism: mistaken use of a word for a similar sounding one.)
[NOTE: RICHARD SHERIDAN, 18TH CENTURY PLAYWRIGHT, INVENTED A CHARACTER CALLED MRS. MALAPROP IN HIS PLAY "THE RIVALS" WHO SPEAKS IN MALPROPISMS - AND BECAME THE ORIGIN OF THIS WORD.]
An oxymoron walks into a bar and the silence was deafening.
(Oxymoron: A figure of speech in which contradictory terms appear.)
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
(Hyperbole: Exaggerated statements not to be taken literally.)
A non sequitur walks into a bar. Even turkeys can fly in a strong wind.
(Non Sequitur: A statement that does not follow from the previous statement.)
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud.
(Mixed metaphor: A combination of 2 or more incompatible metaphors)
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
(Intransitive verb: A verb without an object.)
At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar fresh as a daisy, cute as a button and sharp as a tack.
(Cliche - well, you should know this one.)
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and gets figuratively hammered.
(Figure of Speech: A word or phase used in a non-literal way for a vivid effect.)
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar drinking to forget.
(Gerund: verb used as a noun usually ends in 'ing'; Infinitive: verb form with 'to' in front of it.)
Well, all you grammar freaks are now SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY, and the normal people stopped reading on the third line.
