Women and men are different. Now, that's no surprise to anyone with a pair of eyes. As my mother used to say, "Boys are just cut from a different cloth." What made me start thinking about this obvious truth are the unwritten rules. It seems to me women live their lives according to a very intricate set of unwritten rules.
We went to a bridge party last week. (No, not celebrating a structure being built, but playing cards and eating snacks.) It's an example of an event when the rules start kicking in. These unseen, unspoken rules seem to be in effect for all women no matter what age. Eighty year old women have the same basic set of rules in common with twenty something women. Anyway, the woman hosting the party called to invite Drake and I. And after I'd accepted, I said, "What can I bring?"
She replied, "Oh, no, that's OK. You don't need to bring anything, but what I'm doing won't be fancy."
I reiterated, "I don't mind; I'll be happy to bring anything you'd like for me to."
She said, No, really, I'm good."
There you have a rules situation: First, SHE extended the invitation. Men never do this kind of calling. Second, it's a rule you have to offer to bring some type of food or drink item. Third, you have to offer a second time to indicate you're really sincerely want to help her. And if you get the turn down twice, you don't have to offer a third time - that's being pushy and intimating her food will be substandard.
Speaking of food, there are lots of rules about food. These rules HAVE gotten somewhat simplified since more and more women don't cook as constantly as they did when I was growing up. According to the 2010 census statistics, 67% of American mothers work outside the home. (Here's a fun fact - that number is up 800% since 1867 - just another way American women have of adapting to changing realities.) Back to my point, women don't cook as much because they don't have time to cook as much. The old rules of the 1960's decreed food was to be taken to a friend in a large number of situations and at the drop of a hat. The streamlined set of 21st century rules have shaken down to two occasions when a women is expected to offer food: Birth and death. A woman is still expected to provide food to a new mother and to a grieving family. It's an expression of her feelings and understanding of the nuts and bolts of the situation. When's the last time you heard any husband, father or brother say, "Well, I need to think about what I'm going to take over to the Johnson's." If three wise women had shown up at Jesus' birth, forget gold, frankincense, and myrrh, they would have brought, food, baby clothes and diapers.
Another food rule is you have to eat something prepared by the hostess at a gathering and compliment the food item she is the most proud of. This is generally anything made from scratch. If she bagged and boxed it, then you are expected to compliment the appearance of the table. I screwed up at the last gathering of women I attended. You have to pay close attention to these rules if you expect to make any new women friends. It was a Circle meeting of Methodist women. The meetings are held in the member's homes, so you have to be vigilant about the rules. I didn't eat anything. BIG mistake even though I was limiting everything I was eating because of the intestinal bug. The fact I didn't eat the luscious looking angel food cake with home made fruit topping upset the equilibrium of the party. When it dawned on me what an idiot I'd been, I tried hard to make up for my faux pas by admiring her house.
When a young woman observes all the unwritten rules, her mother gets to bask in glory. It's as if she's passed on the Holy Grail, and her daughter has not only accepted the burden but buffed it up to a shine. Looking good in front of your mother's friends, especially her inner circle, is a way of validating her parenting. Sarah Lynn and I have been at this game for a long time. We started when she was a very small child, under the age of 6! When we would attend a function, I would carefully explain what behavior was expected and give her the rationale her job was to make me look good by delivering acceptable behavior in public. At home in private, she could be a hellion if she so chose.
And, of course, at some point you launch your daughter and hope she 'gets it'. She's on her own as a woman. We all belong to that club, and everyone has to pay the membership dues. Those who don't are mentally if not physically shunned. I was basking with rays of golden light shooting out of me during Sarah's wedding week. Sarah and almost all of her friends were hitting the unwritten rules on all cylinders. There was one, however, who was flaunting the rules repeatedly. Her behavior completely changed how I thought about her while some of the young women I didn't know well understood the rules so perfectly, it made me proud Sarah had chosen them as friends.
As a woman, you can't escape the rules. It's the price we pay for intimacy with one another. Following these unwritten rules are the way we sum one another up and decide which level of intimacy we will allow with another woman. That's the reason for thank-you notes. That's the reason for offers of help. That's the reason you take food.
