Mirror, Mirror on the Stand

It all started with a mirror.  For years and years I'd used a mirror which was regular on one side and 3X on the other side about 6 inches in diameter fastened into a plastic stand.   The mirror twirled in the stand.  That mirror and I got along swimmingly.  Then, one day the stand cracked, and I limped along for another six months with me holding the mirror in one hand while doing make-up application with the other.  Not ideal.  Finally, I found a swank twirling mirror on a stand.  However, here's the rub.  One side was regular, the other side was 5x.

Suddenly, I discovered my WRINKLES.  OMG!!!!  The extra 2X of magnification has been my downfall.  Surely, there's a cure for these wrinkles which doesn't involve surgery.  I'm dead sure elective cosmetic surgery is not in the Smith annual budget.  I did the next best thing.  I bought a beauty magazine, not a current one, of course, I'm not daft enough to buy a magazine for $4.00.  I found one from June of 2014 for $.25 with YOUR 57 FAVORITE BEAUTY PRODUCTS.  THE READER'S CHOICE AWARDS! screaming at me from the cover.  I mean how different can beauty be that's 10 months old.  

When I opened the magazine, a whole new world popped up right in front of me.  Virtually every page was a revelation.  First, there was an ad for mascara. (OK, I know about mascara.) Actually, it turns out I don't.  There were four back to back glossy, brightly colored pages informing me that mascara now has double the collagen; it's PUMPED UP!, and it's supposed to be applied with weird curvy brushes.  I'm five pages into the mag, and these folks had me wondering if I've been using the wrong mascara since I was 14.
  
In the first 20 pages, the real baffling ads were pore vanisher, a men's perfume advertised by either Matthew McConnahey or his doppelganger, bronzer, tea tree magic shampoo, short order fiber glaze cream, glossing hair dye, goddess glow, hair smoothing stuff, body butter, and hair volumizer.  Doesn't the word 'magic' just sort of jump out at you?  Maybe Merlin waves his wand over the shampoo.  

Then, the wrinkle ads started:   "double serum complete age control", "intensive wrinkle protocol", "tone correcting protocol", "intensive repair eye serum", and "advanced retinol concentrated serum".  Apparently, 'intensive', 'serum', and 'protocol' are three of the big words in the wrinkle game.  Protocol really baffled me.  I figured they didn't mean the official rules governing affairs of state, but the closest definition I could find was "a procedure for carrying out scientific or medical experiments.  MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS!  I just wanted to get rid of my wrinkles.

I pulled myself out of the glossy, beautifully photographed pages, and decided to do some research. It turns out Consumer Reports did testing of wrinkle products and discovered there was no discernible difference in the results no matter if you used the super expensive products flecked with gold leaf or the cheap ones with the screw top bottles.  Well, it was sort of a 'good news', 'bad news' conclusion:  Even the cheap stuff does minimally reduce wrinkles, but if you're old and have wrinkles, well, they are yours to keep.

Heading back into the magazine, I found the 'Reader's Choices' of products.  It amused me to find a cheap 'drug store' recommendation, and an expensive speciality/department store recommendation for each product.  As I perused, it dawned on me that if I used cleanser, scrub, moisturizer, sun screen, anti-aging product, eye cream, lipstick, gloss, eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, concealer, foundation, shampoo, conditioner, volumizer, defrizzer, hair color, body scrub, body lotion, self tanner, deodorant, tooth whitener, and nail polish, I would never have any time to do anything else except primp.

No wonder I have wrinkles; the beauty regimen is just too tough for me.  Oh, and did you know 47% of this beauty mag's readers bought their first anti-aging cream in their 20's - in THEIR 20's!  Perhaps, it's time to trot out on my charm and scintillating personality because I think my wrinkles are here to stay.  

      

Every Old Crow Thinks Hers is the Blackest

Drake is practicing his grandparenting look

We have a new human baby in the family.  (As opposed to horse babies of which we have 2 out of 3 born this month.) Normally, I pay no attention to any family kid until they turn five.  However, this kid has a little twist - he's named after both his father and Drake!  OK, so he is cute, and he was cuter still because he never let out a peep while we were there with dinner. (See prior blog - about bringing food at birth.)  Of course, Lindsay and Eric, his parents, think he's the best thing to ever hit the planet. Watching them I was reminded of one of my mother's many sayings:  "Every old crow thinks hers is the blackest."  Said with a smile, this is just reminding everyone of the truth about parental love.  Said maliciously, it's a criticism of parents who think because their kid has hair, he's special.

I got intrigued about finding the origin of this phrase.  That was a complete dead end.  It's listed in the Dictionary of American Proverbs none of the listings have any etymology.  I found it in a scholarly article from the University of Nebraska where some English professor was desperate to publish, so he collected proverbs and sayings and cataloged them into categories. However, he neglected the REAL scholarship of running down the origins.  Gosh, even I can say, "Here's a list of proverbs referring to money."

Then, I remembered that I used to teach proverbs, cliches, and sayings as an exercise in critical thinking.  One day, I realized that the kids I taught really hadn't heard most of the sayings I grew up with, so I just channeled my mother, who LOVED proverbs, and went looking for the foreign equivalents.  Texas Monthly was kind enough to print an article with a list of Texas sayings which I also used.  (My favorite:  "I'm riding the gravy train on biscuit wheels!")   I concocted a list for 'translation' as a group exercise.  Here's the list if you want to play the game:

Whoever becomes a sheep is eaten by the wolf.  (Greek)

Lie down with dogs; get up with fleas.  (My mother’s version)

Love is evil, you will even fall in love with a goat. (Russian)

Love is blind (My mother’s version)

Dirty clothes are washed at home. (Spanish)

Don’t air your dirty laundry. (My mother’s version)

Don’t let the peasant know how good the cheese with pears is. (Italian)

Your eyes are bigger than your stomach. (My mother’s version)

Even if a baboon wears a gold ring, he’s still an ugly thing. (South Africa)

A leopard doesn’t change his spots. (My mother’s version)

Whoever steals an egg steals an ox. (France)
Once a thief, always a thief. (My mother’s version.)

Restless feet walk into a snake pit. (Africa)

Idle hands do the devil’s work. (My mother’s version)

ANSWERS:  Match these to the sayings above

People without purpose can drift into unsavory places and thoughts.

Know your place, don’t long for things you can’t afford.

Personal family problems should be sorted out in private, not in the view of everyone else.

Don’t be taken in by superficial changes in appearance

Strong emotion can blind you, and make you see someone for better than they really are.

Follow the wrong people, and you will fail with them.

It doesn't matter how much you steal.

Oh, and "I'm riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels" MEANS  You're in high cotton - at least that's what my mother would have said.