Friends,

It's been almost three weeks since I've posted. It's not that I don't have anything to say, but that I don't have the time to say it.

I did a human rite of passage this week: death rituals. Now, some people I know will be offended that I've catagorized the death of a friend in such a clinical way, but truthfully, the rituals we observe are for the living. The dead are gone from this life, passed, passed over, deceased, bought the farm, expired, gone to their reward, pushing up daisies, departed, checked out, bereft of life, resting in peace, knocking on the pearly gates, gone to meet their maker, out of their misery. I think the "words" we personally use to talk about death with other people reflects our own personal ideas of what death is, what it means, and what we hope is the outcome of our own death.

I like the word "passed" when I'm talking about someone's death. I picked it up from my African-American friends. It has such possibilities. I believe in life after death, and as a Christian, I believe in the concept of heaven, but I don't think my beliefs are a lock on what occurs after death. What if all the after death concepts are correct? If you are a Buddhist, hopefully you'll move up the ladder toward perfection (unity with God). If you're a Hindu, you'll be reincarnated as a reflection of your last life. If you are a Muslim, your heaven is paradise but it is still sexually segregated - well, except for those virgins. (Here's an aside: Don't those Muslim guys know what a lousy lay a virgin is?) Sorry. Back to the topic. If you are a Christian, then you're expecting to get INTO heaven under the cover of Christ, and when you make it, you will be reunited in paradise with your loved ones, and bask in the perfection of God's love. (OK, so I know more about Christianity - so shoot me.) I even think if you believe you feed the worms with your dead body, and there is no life after this one, then that's what you'll be doing.

So, back to the original idea: death rituals. To be clear, I'm talking about "viewing", funerals, memorial services, burial, cremation, funeral food, and sympathy mail and phone calls. That pretty much covers the rituals, I think. Incidentally, some people have already stopped reading because even talking about death, or thinking about death is way, way too uncomfortable. Well, they are going to miss the good part. Think about what type of rituals you would want in the event of your death. Here are my ideas - for me, what I would want at this point in my life if I dropped dead tomorrow. One think I've already discovered, is how much what I'd want has changed as I've aged.

Once upon a time - for almost 20 years, I refused to attend funerals. If I had died during this period, I would have been very upset if anyone had planned any sort of funeral or memorial. I wanted to be cremated and have the ashes go unclaimed. I mean what is the funeral home going to do if whoever is left behind refuses to come and pick up the ashes? FedEx them? Send them to unclaimed parcels? Put them in lost and found? Put them in a garbage bag and toss them in the dumpster? I figured, "Who cares?" All the rituals seemed much too pain filled. I couldn't deal with them, and I couldn't understand or even contemplate why would anyone else want to.

Upon maturing (nice way of saying - getting old), I've realized the rituals are comforting, reaffirming, and the way a group accepts and processes the death of one of their members. That's exactly what has happened at St Paul this week. We went through many rituals as a group, so that we could support those of us who are truly devastated, reaffirm our after death beliefs, and witness our beliefs to others outside of our group. St. Paul people were magnificent this week. Our dead friend would have been very proud of us. However, I do think she would have enjoyed the viewing more than the funeral. The only thing the viewing lacked was food - a bad oversight in my opinion considering her reputation as "the hostess of St. Paul". Those Irish have the "wake" thing down. That's the way to do the vigil before the funeral - with food, drink, stories, tears, and laughter.

So, here's what I want: NO DEAD BODY to look at. Hello! I won't be there anymore, and plus, I'll look like shit because I'll be (1) old, and (2) DEAD. No one "looks asleep" - please, get over it. And, while on this subject: No one "looks natural" either - you look DEAD. However, I would like a vigil, wake, whatever - with food, with liquor, with music, and with everyone I know coming to talk about me! Hey, it won't all be good, but I will definitely be the center of attention, and as a complete extrovert, what could be better? Seriously, this would be heavy duty "group processing". Very healing, very comforting.

Next, I do want a memorial - but no flowers. What a complete waste of money. If you want to do something with $50 (don't those floral people just take you to the cleaners with funeral flowers? They are almost as bad when they hold you up for wedding flowers.), then give it to my church, send a check to one of the public schools in your neighborhood, send a contribution to an art museum, give it to public television or public radio, or even just take yourself out to dinner, or go to the mall and splurge. Either do some good, or if you're too self centered for that, at least treat yourself rather than waste your moola on flowers that I certainly won't see.

Back to the memorial - got sidetracked there with one of my pet peeves. I want music. Specifically, I want classical music and hymns. My favorites are Vivaldi, Bach, and the fun hymns. I'd like to hear a little "Do Lord", some "I'll Fly Away", "Hark the Herald Angels" (get over it, it's my memorial, and that's my favorite Christmas carol), "Blessed Assurance", "Jesu, Joy of My Desire", and my all time favorite: "Here I am, Lord". And I want EVERYONE to sing. I love to sing even though I can't carry a tune with a suitcase, and singing youself is more fun that listening to someone else sing.

I only want people who really knew me to talk about me during the memorial. I don't want to hear my biography - I mean who cares when, where I was born or grew up? How boring. Tell some stories. And, some of them had better be what a complete bitch I could be. And, some of them had better be about what a good friend I was. And I hope those left behind will be laughing and crying all at the same time.

And pictures. Lots of pictures for people to say - oh, look, I remember then.

Finally, I want life to go on with minimal sadness or regret by those who are still alive after my death. After all, death is just another part of this life, and these rituals help us understand this, process this and get on with living.

So............those are what I want when I die. How about you? I'm very interested. Email me what you would like. I promise just talking about it will not "jinx you". We're all headed down that same highway, just don't know what exit we'll be taking.

Goodbye Willie. Loved you lots, kiddo. Loved planning those last parties with you. Loved your laugh. Loved how you just reveled in your life on this earth. Over and out - or should I say, until we meet again. And when we do, I know the food will be great, and the party will be fun.

Grace and Peace,

Jan