Today I'm in Oklahoma. My father is doing much better thanks solely to my brother. I'm amazed and humbled at the amount of responsibility he's shouldering to give my very elderly, grieving and confused father a wonderful qualilty of life. My father looks better, has regained his health, and is "tracking" now - something he hasn't been able to do for quite some time. Oh, he's still mired in grief that he's having trouble expressing - too stoic, too locked down emotionally to really allow himself to truly grief for his lost wife of 60 years. In many ways he is lost without her. She met his most basic needs for so long that, if it wasn't for my brother, he would starve to death.

My brother and I haven't always been close - in fact, for years we really didn't like one another much. Our lack of closeness was a source of sorrow for my mother. Sometimes death brings out the worst in family relationships. We've all heard the stories of selfishness, greed, and anger when a key family member dies. I'm happy to report that my family has managed to escape that fate. And that harmony is due to my brother shouldering the enormous task of caring for my Dad. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. What a blessing it is to have a such a compassionate brother. My mother used to tell me when I couldn't understand things my brother did, that his basic core personality had sweetness and caring and compassion. I've realized that it has taken her death for me to actually understand her insights into his personality.

Now, that's not to say that he's an angel - oh, far from it. His son, Trey, really loves to hear me "tattle" on his Dad about nutty stuff that his Dad did when he was younger - such as jump off a diving board into a swimming pool when he didn't even know how to swim. But that's how you build family legend. Every family has a legend composed of stories that we tell and retell. Those stories bind you together. Some families only have good, heartwarming stories. some have stories of anger and betrayal. Other families have stories that tell you to run as fast as you can away from them.

Contemplating my family legend, it's a mixed bag. Some good. Some bad. Death rearranges a family, reinforces some legends, creates new legends, and lets you drop some hurtful legends out of the family history. Our family dynamic is being rewritten and edited now. I only hope what emerges is more positive, more functional, more supportive. So far, we've got a good start.

Think about your family legends. How do you add to them? How do you drop the hurtful ones? So complicated. So unfathomable sometimes.

Anyway, I'm here for a short time. I'm hoping to do whatever I can to aid my brother who is working hard out of love for my father.