Conquering Fear

My eye looks terrible after the accidental fall on Saturday, but it doesn't even hurt.  (If you haven't heard, read back about 2 posts for the details.)  The real problem is my foot.  I'm worried I've damaged the titantium implant.  I should have xrayed it at the Emergency Room on Saturday afternoon, but I didn't realize how bad it was.  Now, I really can't walk.  Oh, I can move around, but I can't walk more than 50 feet at this point.  Ice has been my best friend for the past 5 days - so far, I've used up one ice bin full and 30 lbs of bought ice. 

What's actually happening is that I'm afraid.  This whole incident is bringing back those years when I couldn't walk, and when Drake had to do everything.  At least he's not working this time, and has a small house to keep up.  I'm terrified of a repeat episode of not being able to walk because of severe pain. Fear robs me.  Fear paralyzes me.  Fear feeds worry, and encourages me to think negatively. It's been discouraging how easy it's been to slide into this type of thinking. 

I've been running worst case scenarios through my mind these past few days as I sit with my foot up.  I used to do this in my teens and 20's as a coping mechanism.  I thought if I just figured out all the variables in an unknown situation, then rehearsed in my head what my reaction would be to each possibility, I would always be prepared and never look stupid.  Such a teenage thing to do.  Even worse, this kind of future projecting is insidious.  As I got older, I discovered what a hard habit "futuring" was to break.  Figuring out variables and being prepared to cope with all eventualities is admired in our go-go society.  People use words like organized, far-thinking, and competent.  In actuality trying to predict the future is ultra-stress producing.

Over the past few days I've had to re-learn letting go and facing each day  with a cheerful heart, and a positive head confident that each problem will get solved as it arises.  It's been a struggle.  I think I hit bottom the other day, so the only place to go mentally is up.  God knows, I don't want to be a bottom feeding catfish in a pond of despair.   In an even smarter move, I also spread the word among my faithful friends and tapped into a powerful prayer chain,   If you are just reading about this, I'll take all the prayers I can get.  Pray not only for healing, but for my head to stay positive.  Now, I have to attend the physical part and have Drake bring me another ice bag. 

Three Days Later...

 I'm enjoying my black eye; it's never been painful.  It's subsided into magenta and gold (mostly). Today, I painted up my other eye to match it, coordinated my T-shirt and jewelry, and went to Art on the Lawn.  This is a fundraiser festival for the Logan High School Art program.  This is such a small town that several of the artists I met at Summerfest recognized me.  If I came here every summer, I'd be helping to put on this function.  Fundraising for high school programs in the arts hits me right where I like to live. 

Foot news..., getting better.  Still not 'great' but I was able to walk around for 3 hours today and tolerate the pain.  Getting out today boosted my spirits, and made me hopeful that this stupid foot will slowly improve.   

Keep on praying friends, and I'll stop 'futuring'.