Struggling

I always know when I'm struggling mentally because my inner turmoil pops out in physical ailments.  For example, when I was fearing breast cancer a few weeks ago, I had raging diarrhea for days.  (I know, TMI as Drake would say.)  Now, I'm having breast surgery to remove the doodad that caused all the upset.  (Biopsy said:  not malignant, BUT, because all the doodad wasn't sampled, there's a 5% chance of a malignancy, so out it comes.)  I don't want to have breast surgery.  The rank political divide raging in all the news isn't helping my turmoil either.  Now, the gastric upset has calmed, but I have developed a rash on my face and neck.  It just popped out unannounced, unwanted and unaccountable.

I've been unsuccessfully reminding  myself that it's Lent, a season of sacrifice.  Some people give up sugar for the 40 days - now that's a tough one.  Others give up meat.  Some people actually fast one day a week.  Some turn it around and make a positive sacrifice of time.  One year, one person I know sent a letter or card to a shut in person every single day of Lent.  (No, that wasn't me.)  Several years ago, I gave up profanity for Lent, and it certainly helped me evaluate my language more.  Still profane, just not as much.  So, this year I've been noodling around with the idea of trying to embody the fruits of the spirit.  This comes from Galatians 5:22-23.  In the New International Version of the Bible, it reads like this:  

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance (patience), kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Since I'm breaking out in hives over my inner turmoil, I'm failing to embody even ONE of these characteristics.  I hate to fail.  To try and get back on track, I'm going to use my blog to think about each quality.  Today, I'm thinking about love.

OK - everybody knows what love is.  It's either romantic love, physical love, or spiritual love.  I think all types of love are wonderful human emotions, and it's pretty easy to embody and understand romantic and physical love.  However, the real tough one to project and even understand is spiritual love.

Spiritual love is a projection of yourself (as prompted by the Holy Spirit) in acceptance of other people.  Believe me when I tell you it's very hard to do this.  Do you have to agree with and placate the idiots of the world?  No.  That would be hypocrisy.  However, if you spend time angry with the  idiots around you, or allowing slights and insults to send you into drafting enemies lists, plotting revenge, and withering comebacks, then you've lost your way.  Right now, I'm making those lists, and dreaming of ways to ruin those on it and sure enough, I feel terrible.

Spiritual love is about finding whatever you can in another person which calls out good feelings from you toward them.  It's one of the basic tenets of Christianity:  Love your neighbor as you love yourself.

When I lose my way, it's usually because I'm spending way, way too much time in the anger frequency of my emotional range, and projecting that anger onto other people.  As Drake commented the other day, "You woke up angry."  And, he was right. Anger is not one of the fruits of the spirit.   Anger and spiritual love are the antithesis of each other.  I've lost my way.  Being angry a lot even on a subconscious level is physically hurting me.  I'm struggling and feel like I'm drowning in a sea of unhappiness.

So what am I so angry about?  Let's see: Mostly,  I'm tired of hurting.  I've hurt every day since September 30th.   Everyone else has moved on.  I'm still fighting with the repercussions of the stupid car wreck.  I'm spending my time doing extra exercise to the tune of two extra hours a day trying to get the pain under control.  When I add in my food responsibilities (figuring out what to eat, buying it, and preparing it) each day, there's very little time left over for me.  I'm at the point where I resent anybody and everybody.  Now, it's breast surgery which I'm convinced is another parting gift from the car wreck, and I'm so angry about the amount of time and effort this is going to take.

Being angry isn't exactly working for me.  I think I'm finally at a point where I can actually 'hear' other people who would like to help me.  If you have any ideas about how to get me out of my anger mode and move me toward the spiritual love frequency, I'm all ears.  I'd really like for this to be a successful Lenten Season.