The Yalie

Our daughter is going to Yale.  I'm more excited that she is.  The facts are that Sarah has been accepted at Yale to take two master's degrees over the next three years.  They even gave her $$ - not enough, in my opinion - but a big sum which will almost cover one out of the three years.  OK.  Good news.

Here's the interesting part of this news - I'm insanely happy and proud and it's like somehow her acceptance into Yale is because I'm such a great parent.  My mother used to say, "You're always a parent."  I've been at the job for 26 years now, and I still feel that my child's actions and decisions are a reflection on me.  I wonder do all parents feel this?  Are childrens' accomplishments and screw ups mirrors on how good or bad their parenting was?  As the parent, what's the length of time that you can bask in your children's successes and cringe at their failures? 

 My 53 year old brother was the ultimate screw up - intermittently battling drugs, and alcohol, twice divorced, losing his family, his livelihood and finally winding up living in our childhood home the last year of his life with our demented father.  My mother stood by him, defended him, bailed him out, loaned him money, and enabled him.  Amazingly, she loved him equally when he was a successful doctor, and when he lost his license to practice medicine.  The turmoil he caused went on for years.   Exasperated over his latest escapade with soupcon of sibling rivalry tossed in the mix, I confronted my Mother. "Why, why do you gloss over his problems, and constantly pick up the pieces?  She just looked at me.  "He's my son."  After that, there was need for no more discussion in her eyes.  He was her son, and she had obligations to him as his parent.   Period.

As far as I can tell there's no help books for parents of adult children.  Where's the "What to Expect When They're Grown" book?  How much parenting is too much parenting?  I have friends who call their mothers every day at a specified time.  I have other friends who see their parents casually as they would any other people they know.  And, I have some friends who feel their parents are a burden they can't put down or escape from.

I definitely have some parenting questions I would like answered:

1)  How long should you visit your adult children if you live away from them.

2)  What suggestions are helpful and what suggestions are interfering,

3)  When do you say, "No".

4)  Do you have a parenting obligation to let your adult kids move back into your house?

There are many more obvious questions, and of course, the standard answer of "it depends" just sucks.  I'll tell you one last thing:  Nobody told me when I started this parent gig that IT NEVER ENDS.  Naturally, on the day they get accepted into Yale, no problem................it's just those 'other times' that still have me worried.