Grammar Jokes

 I have one genius friend who forwards to me wonderful things which pop up on the internet. 

 [NOTE:  MY 'DO NOT FORWARD POLICY IS STILL IN EFFECT FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GENIUS.] 

Her latest is a public service announcement directed at people who did not pay close enough attention in English class, and now discover they actually have to communicate in writing just like your English teacher told you would happen. 

[NOTE:  NOT TRUE.  NOT A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, BUT THE REST OF THE STATEMENT IS TRUE!]

I've helpfully 'splained' each underlined grammar joke.  

[NOTE:  'SPLAINED' IS NOT A REAL WORD.  FURTHER NOTE:  THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A GRAMMAR JOKE EXCEPT TO ENGLISH TEACHERS.]

Are you ready????????

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun and suggests they conjugate.  The noun declines.

(Conjugate:  different forms of the verb.  Declension:  different forms of a noun.)

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other who takes him for granite.

(Malapropism:  mistaken use of a word for a similar sounding one.)

[NOTE:  RICHARD SHERIDAN, 18TH CENTURY PLAYWRIGHT, INVENTED A CHARACTER CALLED MRS. MALAPROP IN HIS PLAY "THE RIVALS" WHO SPEAKS IN MALPROPISMS - AND BECAME THE ORIGIN OF THIS WORD.]

An oxymoron walks into a bar and the silence was deafening.

(Oxymoron:  A figure of speech in which contradictory terms appear.)

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

(Hyperbole:  Exaggerated statements not to be taken literally.)

A non sequitur walks into a bar.  Even turkeys can fly in a strong wind.

(Non Sequitur:  A statement that does not follow from the previous statement.)

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall, but hoping to nip it in the bud.

(Mixed metaphor:  A combination of 2 or more incompatible metaphors)

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar.  They sit.  They converse.  They depart.

(Intransitive verb:  A verb without an object.)

At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar fresh as a daisy, cute as a button and sharp as a tack.

(Cliche - well, you should know this one.)

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and gets figuratively hammered.

(Figure of Speech:  A word or phase used in a non-literal way for a vivid effect.)

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar drinking to forget.

(Gerund:  verb used as a noun usually ends in 'ing';  Infinitive:  verb form with 'to' in front of it.)

Well, all you grammar freaks are now SOOOOOOOOO HAPPY, and the normal people stopped reading on the third line.  

Flower Meanings

I'm a big devotee of electronic greeting cards.  I especially like Jacquie Lawson cards, and as many of those as I send, I should be getting a kick-back.  (Just kidding.  I'm not.)  Several of my friends now use this website, and I got a card for Mother's Day which offered the 'meanings' of flowers in the ecard bouquet.  

Flower symbolism has its roots in rural traditions, but by the 19th century British aristocrats were well versed in flower symbolism and using them for social occasions.  An ancient example of the rural tradition would be the Druids who used mistletoe in place of a 'white flag'.  By the 1800's making advantageous marriage contracts for their aristocratic chattel daughters rose to a strategically played game by parents often interested in financial alliances and social climbing within a very structured hierarchy.  What's love got to do with it?  Nothing.  [However, it's fodder for romantic novels!] 

So HOW were feelings declared?  With bouquets of flowers sent from gentlemen of all ages to young ladies.  The chaperone system was no joke.  Young women protected their reputations since purity was a top selling point in contracting an advantageous marriage.  Men used flower bouquets to declare themselves as well as speculate on the character of young women.  Flowers arrived the afternoon after a major social occasion such as a ball, a theater visit, or a musical evening.  The number of bouquets received was signal of the popularity of young debutantes.  

Some of the symbols are fascinating.  Here's a list.  You can imagine the creativity of the bouquets.

Asparagus foliage:  Fascination

Acacia:  Secret Love  OR Elegance

Anthurium:  Happiness

Aster:  Love OR Daintiness 

Baby's Breath:  Innocence

Balsam:  Ardent Love

Bellflower:  Unwavering Love

Bird of Paradise:  Faithfulness (when given by a man to a woman)

Bluebell:  Loyalty

Calla Lily:  Magnificence & beauty

Carnation (red) - Love

Carnation (green) - Love between two men

Carnation (white) - Innocence, pure love

Carnation (yellow) - Rejection, disappointment

Columbine - Faithlessness

Daffodil - Uncertainty, return my love

Daisy - Innocence

Delphinium - Joy

Gardenia - Secret love  OR  Good luck

Honeysuckle - Devoted Love

Hyancith (purple) - Forgive me

Hyancith (red/pink) - Playfulness

Hyancith (yellow) - Jealousy

Iris (purple) - Wisdom

Iris (yellow) - Passion

Iris (white) - purity

Larkspur - Levity, OR fickleness OR haughtiness

Lavender - Happiness

Lilac (purple) - First love

Lilac (white) - Youthful innocence

Lily - Love between two women

Lily of the Valley - Sweetness

Lime Blossom - Fornication

Mint - Suspicion

Narcissus - Unrequited love OR selfishness

Orange Blossom - Good luck in marriage

Orchid - Refined beauty

Pansy - Thoughfulness

Poppy (red) - Sacrifice and remembrance - (this flower came to symbolize WWI, and is still used in 

                                                                       Britain today to symbolize loss in wartime)

Rose - every shade of a rose has meaning:  Red - true love; Yellow - friendship; Pink - Grace; Coral/Orange - passion; Lavender - love at first sight; White - purity; Red & White together - United; Red & Yellow together - joy

Snapdragon - Graciousness

Sunflower - Adoration OR Loyalty

Tulip, like roses, every color has a meaning:  Red - passion or perfect love; Pink - friendship; White - forgiveness; Yellow - cheerful thoughts; Variegated - beautiful eyes; Black - strength.

Violet (blue) - Faithfulness

Violet (white) - Daydreaming OR love between two women

Zinnia - Thinking of you

If you managed to work your way through this long list (and it's only a skimming of ALL the plants and flowers and their symbolism), then you can see a carefully put together bouquet in the 19th century is the equivalent of a 20th century phone call or a 21st century text.  Now, I don't know about you, but I really like the 19th century way of declaring feelings.  You might pause, though, the next time you send flowers, and make sure you're saying what's in your heart.

Texas Rangers - 2022 Season Analysis

 Every year I write an analysis of the upcoming Texas Ranger season.  This year I invited my resident expert to write this year's analysis.  As always, just skip this one if you are not a Texas Ranger fan.

It would be easy to be overly optimistic about the Rangers' chances this year based on the their off-season roster upgrades and their Spring Training successes.  They've out-scored most Cactus League competitors; and the pitching has been pretty good too.  All signs point to a much improved record after their 102 losses last year.  Possibly, there might even be some meaningful September games as well this season.  Just winning half their games would be a major 20 game turnaround for a team that finished last in just about every statistical category in 2021 including being the division cellar dwellers.

 Most baseball reporters were surprised how much money Texas spent remaking their roster given how far behind we ended up last year.  Usually that kind of spending spree makes sense only for an already good, playoff- bound team needing to fill just a couple of holes to spark a winning season and deep playoff run. 

 The Rangers didn't just fill holes.  They remade the team by upgrading key “up the middle” positions.  The management signed high priced, long-term contracts at shortstop (Cory Seager) and second base (Marcus Semien).  The remake decision stems from the belief the team is ready to blossom on a strong farm system base of maturing young players.  Further, the new hires are proven everyday players, expected to provide important clubhouse leadership for the younger guys to stimulate a winning on-field attitude and performance.  (The Rangers have been missing clubhouse leadership since the retirement of Adrian Beltre and the trade of Elvis Andrus.)  So this team remake will hopefully be the spark for the “lightning in the bottle” medicine to deliver winning success sooner rather than later.

 Of course all of the purchase of these new players is just gambling with team ownership money.  Even high-priced, proven players have volatile individual athletic performances.  Then, there’s the luck of the draw with injuries, and the mysterious team chemistry effect.  Every year there are a couple of teams whose gambling pays off, and those teams exceed expectations.  This is the time of year when all of us can hope for that lightning. Worst case, the new stars and excitement should put more butts in the seats to help pay for those ridiculous new salaries and provide more hope for next year.

 Here's the projected everyday lineup - new players marked with (*)

 2B (*) Semien

SS (*) Seager

CF Garcia

1B Lowe

C (*) Garver / Heim [Note:  Trevino was a last minute trade to the Yankees for pitching.]

RF (*) C. Calhoun

LF (*) Miller / Solak

3B Ibanez / Culberson

DH W. Calhoun / Solak

 Here's the projected starting rotation

 (*) J. Gray

(*) M. Perez [This is Martin Perez, former Ranger.]

Dunning

Hearn

(*) Howard / Burke

 The bullpen coming out of camp looks good.  The bullpen and the high minors will have a mix of replacement starters and actual relief specialists for the inevitable revolving door of a major league pitching staff.  This team will sink or swim with the ability of the starters to go 5+ innings and keep the score close for the new, improved offense without wearing out the bullpen.

 With all the new faces this year, the pitching, overall, is still the weak link.  The team has a lot of young talent (and depth), but there's just not enough proven guys with a history of ace performances needed for the long season.  Quantity is important here because pitching is notorious for injury problems on every team.  In my opinion, the remade Rangers just don't have quite enough pitching yet to make the playoffs.  If the Rangers have a good start, it’s possible there might be a couple of mid-season deals for starting pitching to stay in contention.  Otherwise, the management will work on the pitching weaknesses next winter and we can all get optimistic for 2023.

Musical Treasures

 While New York City and Washington D.C. have the biggest collections of outstanding museums in the United States, you can still find excellent institutions peppered across the entirety of the country.  Since we've criss-crossed the country for ten years, and we've sampled many, many museums, I think I can attest to the accuracy of my belief.  I won't bore you with a list.  (My, my, aren't you glad about that.)  This week, though, we made a visit to one of those wonderful museums which just happens to be in Phoenix.  It's called the Museum of Musical Instruments.  This is a fabulous museum containing not only musical artifacts, but also a small concert hall.  We went to see a new exhibition called "Treasures, Legendary Musical Instruments".  

This was a select group of sixty musical instruments from all over the world, from all different cultures, in many time periods of history.  One of the first instruments we saw as we walked into the exhibition was the earliest known surviving violin (known as a 'bowed lute') constructed by Adolpho Amati, the person who devised and designed the instrument in 1559.  Today, similar construction techniques he invented are still used by violin instrument makers today.

The violin wasn't the only oldest known instrument in existence we saw.  Here's the oldest known guitar created in Baroque times (1590).  It shows how the earliest guitars were constructed

A fascinating aspect of all the instruments was how lovingly and exquisitely each of these instruments was crafted.  Each instrument was often intricately carved, etched or decorated.  Sometimes, just the material itself was beautiful.

We also saw individual instruments which have become famous because of the owners who played them.  One example was the 'black widow guitar' played by Jimi Hendrix, an acknowledged expert electric guitar player from the 1960's.

There was an additional exhibition of these types of 'famous instruments'.  The one of these I liked the best was Pablo Casals's favorite cello.

Apparently, music and people go together like peanut butter and jelly.  As more and more ancient ruins, are uncovered by archeological digs, musical instruments are continually found world wide. Music seems to be an integral part of what it means to be human.  Drake's favorite instrument was this one:  A carved, painted, Mayan conch shell trumpet from approximately 250-400 A.D.

One aspect of an outstanding museum is what I call 'above and beyond'.  An above and beyond feature of this museum is the idea it's not enough to see an instrument, but the real value to the viewer is being able to hear its sound.  The entire museum is filled with instruments divided into geographic regions with scattered flat screen televisions showing musicians playing the actual instrument you are viewing.  The 'Treasures' exhibition had about ten of these screens tied electronically to individual headphones.  As we wore the headphones and moved around the exhibition,  we could hear the instruments being played by people who were acknowledged expert musicians on the instruments.  Additionally, they would also discuss the unique qualities of each instrument.  That's what I call 'above and beyond', and one aspect that makes the MIM such a great museum. 

As always, there are pictures, and this time there are blurbs detailing the age, history and significance of each instrument in the Treasures exhibition.   https://photos.app.goo.gl/Y24vgcmuWkvGtohM7

  

Who is John Shuster?

We've been Olympic nerds since the infamous Munich games in 1972. We graduated from college in May of 1972, and our TV was a 13" black and white with built in rabbit ears. (If you are too young to know what rabbit ears are, you can look it up. Your pocket computer will tell you.) We decided it was TIME to see the Olympics in color, so we bought a new television based solely on the criteria of seeing the Olympics in color. Color TV was relatively new, so in 1972 a 21" color televison cost about $500, or $3300 in today's dollars. Major investment since our monthly salary (combined) was $1000. We kept this television for a LONG time, and it was eventually replaced because we wanted a bigger screen on which to watch the Olympics.

Now, I like everything in the Olympics with the exception of the LOOOOOOOONG races. I do have a complete favorite in the Olympics, and no, it's not figure skating:  It's curling.  We have been watching since it was a demonstration sport, and it just sends me.  I can watch the men.  I can watch the women.  I can even watch the mixed doubles.  What I've discovered is there are more and more people who are secret curling fans.  I've never even seen the inside of a curling ring much less watched a game live.  One of my few disappointments in our Canadian trip was all the curling rinks were closed for the summer.  I had fantasies of actually seeing a game.  Here's why I like curling:

1)  Big time curling looks like it's played by regular people.  Yes, yes, I know they do physical conditioning, and they all have big biceps, but beyond a slightly higher level of cardio fitness, curling in the Olympics could be played by your Uncle Bob and Aunt Mildred.  The USA men's team looks like guys who bowl in the Wednesday night league.  Psst - there's even a little jelly belly on one of those USA guys.  Thank heaven he has divinely long hair, or it would just be embarrassing. 

2)  If you pay attention, there are some really, really hot men curling.  Check out the Swiss skip, or the Canadian third.  Oh my.  It's a pity they don't play 'shirts' and 'skins' in this game.  The Scandinavian teams have divinely blue eyes.

3)  Curling is easy to understand.  You can watch one half of one game and you can know all the rules.  I've spent YEARS (not exaggerating here, people) learning the rules of baseball, and I STILL don't know them all.  Just try explaining baseball or football or basketball to someone who's never seen a game, and you will quickly get the gist of what I'm talking about.  Curling:  Get your colored rocks closest to the bullseye and score a point for each one that's closer to the bullseye than the other color of rock.  BOOM - that's it.  Oh, and you take turns pushing the 14 pound rocks down a sheet of pebbled ice.  See?  

4)  Curling is relaxing.  Enough said.

5)  Sportsmanship is a big deal in curling.  Not lip service as in most other sports.  

6)  The number of games is not overwhelming.  Curling is kind of like watching March Madness.  It's played in tournament form instead of over a 'season'.  Baseball:  162 games plus the play-offs plus the World Series.   Curling:  Each team plays 9 games to get into the medal round in the Olympics.  And, this happens once every four years.  What a deal!  

7)  There's no merchandise.  No hats; no jerseys; no dolls; no video games.  Refreshing.  Speaking of clothing, curling lends itself to WILD SOX!!!!

If you haven't tuned it yet to a curling match, time to tune in.  I guarantee you'll be a fan after watching just one game.  Becoming a curling fanatic takes a little longer.   

Phoenix Botanical Garden with bonus: DALE CHILULY

We actually took the trip across town to see this garden.  If you're in the DFW area imagine Hurst to Richardson; NYC area Brooklyn to Bronx; therefore, not a trivial trip.  We are trying to do more outings, so I can exercise more and hopefully recover my health.   We've learned from past experience, if you are going to do an outdoor activity in the Sonoran Desert, January is perfect weather.  While the natives think January at 70 degrees is 'freezing', us snowbirds think it's glorious.

The tree is called a 'Boojum' - a name derived from a Lewis Carroll poem

i

Next to the Boojum (which was about 50 feet tall) is a hint of the lagniappe  (a Cajun expression meaning "a little something extra").  Surprise!  It's a Dale Chiluly exhibition of glass works. According to the Docent we chatted with, Chiluly, the most famous glass artist in the world, loves the Sonoran desert because he thinks the landscape is the perfect setting for his art.  The Phoenix Botanical Garden is the only garden to have hosted more than one of his landscape shows, and it has been the setting three times.  This is the second time we've seen them in the garden.  The directors of the Garden must agree with him since after the first show in 2008 they bought three sculptures which resemble agave cactus.

Entrance to the Phoenix Botanical Garden

I could have taken pictures of the almost unlimited variety of cactus and succulents which are planted in the garden, but I restrained myself.   The founding of the Phoenix Botanical Garden started with the happenstance meeting of a Swedish Botanist, who was wild for cactus and concerned about their decimation, and an unusual woman with a strange cactus she wanted to know about.  Thus, Gustaf Starck, the botanist, and Gertrude Webster, the snowbird philanthropist, began a drive to "Save the Desert".  Their ideas together with a small group raised $40,000 in 1936 (depth of the Great Depression!) to establish the garden.  At each step of the way, an important individual has dedicated her/his life to the garden.  I first saw the Botanical Garden in 1970, and it was impressive then.  Now, 50 years later, it's magnificent.  I consider this place to be the top attraction in the City of Phoenix.  It's no wonder Chiluly feels this place is the ideal venue to display his famous works.  This time there's also a small indoor gallery of some of his pieces.  

   
 As always, there are pictures:  https://photos.app.goo.gl/jswHYkymPCr6qqtQA

New York City Botanical Garden Holiday Train Show - 2021

New York City Botanical Garden Holiday Train Show - 2021

The New York City Botanical Garden is a cherished institution in New York City.  It is located in the Bronx, the northernmost borough of the five boroughs that comprise modern New York City.  It is 250 acres and includes fifty acres of  'old forest'.  It was founded in 1891 by University of Columbia botany professor, Nathaniel Lord Britton.  He was it's first director, and his vision was to create a living research botanical facility.  He opened the gardens to the public in 1900.  True to his vision, the botanical garden is famous for research, and has one of the largest botanical libraries and collections of fungus and herbs in the United States.  The great Conservatory was also constructed and opened under his watch

 During the holiday season for the past thirty years (except last year), the garden has welcomed the Holiday Train Show.  It's one of the many holiday destinations in New York City.  This year we were able to attend with our train obsessed three year old.  What makes this exhibition uniquely New York City is the trains wind around New York City landmarks constructed of natural materials.

This is better seen in the following photos.  (I recommend you use the 'slideshow feature'.)

 The entire exhibition was under the Conservatory.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/ERuJrNGSHu7TxgpK7