January, 2017 - Volume 5, Issue 1 - PP Gazette

Welcome to 2017 all you dogs and dog walkers of Sun City.  We, at the Poop Police, want to thank you for your subscription to the PP Gazette, a publication letting each of you subscribers know about the work of the valiant members of the Poop Police who are out there day after day protecting and serving.

First, we must make a sad announcement to close out 2016.  "Bubbles", the Dashhound, a long supporter of our organization, was snatched by the South Golf Course Coyote Gang on New Year's Eve right at sundown.  She was too small and her owner too tottery for her to be out so late in the day.  Her walker's desire for a riotous late night out came at a high price for Bubbles.  Frankly, we suspect foul play.

Bubble's snatch fits the modus operandi of The SGC, a notorious gang of rogue coyote thugs, despised by all of us here at the PP.  We have been reliably informed the SGC is no longer controlling the rats, mice and rabbits on their turf, but instead, are targeting small canines like Bubbles.  How many times must we at the Poop Police send out the following warning:  DO NOT PERMIT YOUR HUMAN TO WALK YOU DURING THE PEAK DANGER TIMES WHEN THE COYOTE GANGS ARE ACTIVE.  Use some common sense for pete's sake!

We at the constantly patrolling Poop Police are stymied by the proliferation of the coyote gangs.  We can't be everywhere at once, and these gangs can strike in an instant. Even though they are eye witnesses to the coyote gang atrocities, hysterical human walkers are terrible at identifying the bushy tailed perps. How often have we heard through sobs, "Those coyotes just came out of nowhere."  "It happened so fast I didn't get a good look at the snatcher."  Be vigilant!  BEFORE tragedy happens, your best protection is your human. After the tragedy happens, well, you are SOL and on your own.

Therefore, we are announcing our first self-defense seminar of the year:  "Leap Into Arms" which will be held on the Sun Bowl lawn at noon on February 1st.  Only sign up if you can bring your own human walker.  Our demonstration dog, Pookie, the Pomeranian, whose life was saved by using our self defense strategies, will show each attendee how they can save his or her life when threatened not only by our roving coyote gangs but also from errant golf carts.  Let us publically thank, Myrtle Brown, Pookie's human, for her contribution to dog safety.  Attendance is limited, so sign up NOW.

Corporal D, also known as "The Intrepid Pigeon Fighter" is putting out a serious BOLO announcement:

"Each of our community knows how vital it is for Sun City dog walking humans to come armed with poop bags and scoopers during walkies.  I am outraged to report I have found unpicked up fecal remains on THE SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF MY OWN HOUSE.  My controlled fury knows no bounds, and I swear to apprehend and lecture with a distainful voice, and a pointed index finger the irreponsible human dog walker who has disregarded the first law of the dog walking community:  CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DOG.

After careful measurement and scientific extrapolation, I have determined the dog in question stands 10 to 12 inches at the shoulder, has light colored short hair, and has recently eaten peanuts.  Unfortunately, there's no description of the human walker.  Let's be on the lookout especially after dark or before daylight since perps of this nature skulk around in the dark without picking up their dog's fecal matter.  It's a these times they think no one is watching.  Well, be warned lawbreaker, I AM!"

That's our news round up for this issue of the PP Gazette.  Keep those leases untangled, your legs lifted high, and be alert for golf carts and coyotes.  See you next month with our review of desert booties for dogs.