Anxiety Ridden

I am currently anxiety ridden.  This is not a normal state for me.  I'm usually the glass half full, silver lining, lemons to lemonade woman.  I've been thinking about anxiety which I've been able to partially detach myself from thanks to my talk with my spiritual advisor.  (No, it's not some old, dead Native American - the SA in 'Darma & Greg'.)  Anywho,  one of her nuggets was to help me realize I'm not alone.

The nutshell for my anxiety is my upcoming cataract surgeries.  (9/27 & 10/1)  Everyone keeps telling me what a 'simple' surgery this is, and it's a piece of cake.  Well......  The last 'simple' surgery I had resulted in my losing the ability to walk for about two years.  Not fun, not fun at all.  And, it was just a 'simple' bunion surgery.  

My rational mind is saying, 'OK, all will be fine.'  The more important question is why am I dwelling on the worst case scenario and generating all this anxiety?  Here's what my SA had to say:  The anxiety probably has less to do with the cataract surgeries and more to do with all the upheavals and changes we've experienced since October 1, 2023.  

List Time:  1) Clean out AZ house; 2) Divide 'stuff' into sell, store, stage; 3) Cruise over Thanksgiving; 4) Movers pick up the 'store' stuff; 5) Xmas in NYC; 6) List staged house; 7) First people to see it buy it!!!!! 8) Pack & move within 30 days; 9) Plan cross country trip; 10) Buy new house; 11) Remodel new house; 12) Get sick/diagnosed with adult onset asthma; 13) Move into new house during remodel to save $$; 14) Movers arrive with only 2/3rds of our stuff! 15) Unpack; 16) Movers finally arrive with other 1/3rd of our stuff; 17) Unpack.   18) Find Ophthalmologist; 19) Find Primary Care Dr. 20) Mammogram; 21) Blood Work (bad news - Dr. wants me on Statins.) 22) Find gym. 23) Make summer clothes for Fiona.  24) Look for bridge games 25)  Make new friends.

Oh, and that's the condensed list.  I realize my SA is RIGHT.  She also said that I work all the time.  Hmmmm.   I do recognize that I'm constantly busy doing SOMETHING.  i read every day - I usually finish two to four books every week.  Thanks to a good friend, I now have magazines to read.  I also sew every week making stuff - including granddaughter clothes; doll clothes; clothes for me, and a tunic/apron thing for a friend who broke her dominate arm.  I also meal plan every week, have groceries delivered, shop for what the @#$$%&^ store didn't deliver, and cook at least five meals a week.  (I'm trying to keep Drake alive.)  We also play bridge twice a week.  Plus we exercise at Planet Fitness five to six days a week (REALLY!)  We are coming out of a baseball season, so I've listened or watched baseball almost every day of the last 156 days.  I write at least 12 people every week, and I'm writing a friend undergoing chemo every day.  Plus, there's this blog which sometimes seems like an albatross around my neck,  but I just can't seem to give it up.  Notice, there's no home maintenance, cleaning or laundry or car stuff in this paragraph - Drake does all that.  

Back to this anxiety thing.  Looking at these lists, I get why some people would see me as overcommitted.  However, I really think I'm more anxious about settling back into the 'community' life.  During all our vagabonding time and our nannying time, each day was different.  I loved the vagabonding because there was so much 'new' everyday.  Just flip back through these blogs if you don't believe me.  I loved the nannying because I got to live close to my daughter for the first time in 15 years, and I was able to make a big contribution to her life and build a unique relationship with the first grandchild.  

I am concerned (a nice word for anxiety) about being in a fixed community.  I must say, though, this one has been extremely welcoming.  We live in a cul-de-sac, and all the neighbors have been incredibly nice - even helping us with yardwork!  They are all getting the picture that I 'live outloud' and Drake doesn't.  I'm trying to tamp down my profane mouth, but we all know that only works about 85% of the time.  So far, so good.

One thing I've learned is that by acknowledging your fears, sadness, and anxieties by TELLING ON YOURSELF,  and in my case, calling my SA for advice and writing about it helps ease things.  All that stuff seems to deflate when you share it.  

Finally, it always pays big dividends to count blessings:  Great husband; fabulous daughter/son-in-law & pseudo son; happy, healthy grandkids; wonderful extended family.  Celebrating another birthday.  Still getting out of bed every day & mostly able to do lots of stuff (see above list).  Oh, and a great Spiritual Advisor.  Thanks, M.  I'm kicking this anxiety shit to the curb.