50 and Counting

 On Friday, April 9, 1971, unable to withstand the relentless pressure from my family, Drake and I drove to Gainesville, Texas, stood up in front of an enormously fat Justice of the Peace, and BOOM, we were married.  It was the smartest stupid decision I've ever made.  (I think Drake would concur with that analysis.)  I mean, what do you do when you meet the love of your life when you are 17?  On some level I knew I really didn't want to get married at age 20, but I felt trapped in a situation where it was either fish or cut bait.  So, we just did it.  Here we are on the day after our marriage standing in my parents' driveway.  It's my only wedding picture.  We arrived to announce our marriage.  (I'm displaying the $7.50 wedding band which I'm still wearing.)

Our daughter and son-in-law have showered us with gifts for this anniversary, and I truly loved their card which said, "Marriage is hard, but you make it look easy."  I smiled when I read it.  Oh, my.  Having an easy marriage took so much work and mental effort, I marvel at how much of the time we've been able to achieve it.  To put someone else 'first' is easy to say and difficult to do.  It's a mindset which makes married life run smoother, and the "you first" mindset has to be a two way street.  No marriage is 50/50.  No marriage is always easy or even good.  Even the best marriages can falter.

It has always helped our close friends from the early years have always identified us as a couple.  That's one of the benefits of getting married when you are still children.  When our 10th anniversary rolled around, some of those friends gave us a blast of a party.  And, yes, my hair is three feet long and curly.  Notice the 'medal' on Drake's tuxedo:  My 'friends' gave it to him for still being married to me after ten years.  (I resurrected the medal for him for our 50th celebration dinner.)  Over the years, I have to admit he's earned that medal.  (Oh, and I still have the dress - it's in my memory clothes bag.)

We had a second blow out party on our 25th.  Sarah Lynn, aged 10 at the time, and I planned it.  We added more friends, toned down the dress code - no tuxedos this time, and invited the parents and siblings.  The picture below is a recreation of one taken at our 10th anniversary party.  This party turned out to be bittersweet.  By our 30th anniversary, some of these friends had passed and we still grieve them.

At the 50 year mark, I'm not really sure why we succeeded in one of life's biggies.  I can speculate.  Our relationship started with a solid year long friendship before sex was added.  Even at 19, I realized a good husband choice would be someone who I truly liked, and who was so smart I'd never be bored.  Postponing children until the marriage was planted in bedrock helped.  Having a common background and culture helped with conflict resolution.  And speaking of conflict, learning how to FIGHT productively early in the marriage was crucial.  Knowing being yourself would never be disappointing to your spouse was also helpful.  

We try every five years to have a deliberate conversation about what we did right in the previous five years, and what we'd like to change.  Then, we project forward five years and set some joint goals.  This has let each of us grow and change over the years.  Your forty year old persona is NOT your twenty year old persona.  This year was one of those deliberate conversation years:  What we did right?  Traveling, traveling, traveling, so we were ready to step in and nanny our grandson.  What are we going to do differently?  Well, we are stepping back from full time childcare in 2022.  We are going to become A-B people.  (In Sun City terms, that means moving back and forth between only two locations.)  In our case, that will be Arizona and Brooklyn.) 

For me, marriage in my 20's gave me the confidence to step out and be successful at whatever I wanted to try.  We've thought from the very beginning that one of the big advantages of marriage was the other spouse always 'having our back'.  In my 30's a solid marriage let me pause a career, become a stay at home mom, and go back to school in order to start a different career.  For my 40's and most of my 50's I was able to concentrate on teaching.  It turned out to be my calling.  Without Drake's financial support, I wouldn't have been able to pursue a career which was a financial disaster.  (After ten years of teaching, I made less money than an Assistant Manager at Jack in the Box!)  When my health failed in my 50's, my career taken away, and we struggled to deal with death and dementia in my family, Drake was a rock.  He never even suggested bailing out even though our struggles during this period of our lives lasted years.  Our 60's were spent executing our joint vagabonding dream which we both relished and enjoyed to the hilt.

Now, at 70, I've struggled with this anniversary.  Milestones are so important.  If we've learned anything from this past year of horrors, we've realized how much we need our rituals.  Anniversary celebrations are one of those rituals.  This milestone comes on the heels of the death of our last living parent.  We are both deep into grief over Drake's mother dying.  She was a pillar in my life for more than 50 years.  Neither of us wanted a big party (even if COVID-19 wouldn't have interfered).  This golden anniversary seems to have black edges.  Our life is more in the rearview mirror than unspooling in front of us.  Those are the facts.  However, with a little help from our friends, I've been able to feel more celebratory this week.  I'm pretty sure it wasn't all due to the two bottles of excellent wine during our dinner celebration.   

Finally, I have a secret box which contains every greeting card given to me by Drake and me to him over the years.  Knowing they are going to be saved and cherished makes us both try a little harder to deliberately express ourselves with these cards on our milestone days.  As they have accumulated, the cards seem to be an endless ribbon of reminders to me of how very good life is when you have chosen the best husband in the universe.

Happy 50th, Drake.  I love you more than you will ever be able to imagine.  Jan.