Letting Go

There are two major difficulties to raising the average child.  (Yes, I know, you're thinking right about now, "Only TWO????)  But, as I see it, it's two: Letting go and saying no.  Perhaps, that's my own parenting speaking out of my head.  We all understand saying no, but letting go is not so straightforward.

When you have a baby, it's overwhelming.  We just dropped off dinner and a gift to the new three week old baby in the family, and the mom confided, "Well, our first was already sleeping five or six hours a night at this time, but this one is a typical newborn; he eats every three hours!"  We all remember those days.  Getting a shower was a major accomplishment, and sleep deprivation was just the way it was. However, once that newborn phase passes, and you get the rhythm and routine of caring for the baby down, you're mentally high fiving and thinking, "I've got this baby stuff knocked and locked!"

Then, the second year starts, and you have to learn the painful, parental lesson of  'let go'.  It starts easily.  You let go of chubby fingers and the little cruiser learns to toddle.  Remember the wincing, vivid outcome of some of those first efforts to step back? It's the first truly bad fall that left the lump, or even worse, a scar.  Little did you know that was the easy training wheel phase of letting go.

Remember the, "No, I do it!" knowing letting go of some control even if  'it' would take three times as long.  The wheedling for the sleep over you knew they weren't ready for, the movies you knew would cause nightmares, and gulp, the first time you stepped back and allowed deliberate failure.  I'm not even going to mention the minefield called, "getting a driver's license."

Finally, there's the letting go dance of 'I am not my parents.'   I think the parenting Gods save the worst for last.  It's that final teenage separation. I'm sure it must happen seamlessly in some families, but it was agony for me.  Having an 'only' makes it all so dramatic.  Am I doing this right?  Is she going to hate me like this forever?  Can I kill her and get away with it? If she's driving me crazy when I'm stepping back as fast as I can, why am I so sad?

We just returned from a visit to the home of our adult child and hubby, only, we didn't actually see them.  People were amazed, and I could tell, just a little shocked.  We've been asked repeatedly, "How were the kids?"  And, our answer, "We don't really know. Fine, we assume.  The cat was great!"  Then, people have looked a little befuddled and replied, "Oh, well, good.", while inside their heads, they are thinking, "I wouldn't have flown all the way to New York and not seen my kids!"

Doesn't that phrase my kids just say it all?  Where's the line when you shouldn't be using the possessive pronoun anymore?  Yes, of course, your children will always be the products of your family, but when do they belong to themselves instead of to you?  It's an arrogant assumption and a failure to let go to think because you are the 'parent', you should automatically have first call on their time and resources.  

 A true final 'letting go' is accepting adult children don't need parents so much as considerate friends who are their parents. Insisting on playing the 'parent' card is not going to endear you to adult kiddos juggling their increasingly complicated lives.  It means babysitting the cat and being glad you get a free apartment in New York City for your own vacation.

 It means not insisting on their time when entertaining you is just one more chore to be squeezed into the 'to do' list.  Know when it's time to 'let go'.