In 1938...

In 1938 The Study of Adult Development, a part of the Harvard medical school gave physicals to 268 sophomore men; then followed the mental and physical health of these men for the next 80 years with the aim of determining what makes a person have a happy and healthy life.  The original study has been expanded to include women, the offspring of the original group, and a group from the lower socio/economic strata of society.  Guess what makes a happy life?   It's not money.  It's not good genes, and it's not where you live.  It's not fame.  It's not work. What makes a happy life are your relationships.  OK, now every woman reading this is thinking, "Oh, duh."

Since I've been thinking about life constants, the whole idea of relationships has been floating around in my mind.  We went out for lunch with friends recently, and I asked the woman what she thought were constants in her life.  She promptly said, 'family'.  That's too narrow for me.  Significant relationships have had as much and in many cases more influence in my life than my family.  Relationships have always formed an expanding web around me.  I know lots of women can say that.  There are very few women who live in mental isolation.

I think one of the unusual ways we expand our relationships is what I call 'your friend is my friend'.  Here's what I mean.  Last year when we were in Colorado Springs, my sister-in-law called me and said, "We are going to be within spitting distance of you in the cabin we go to every year."  I asked, "Who is 'we'"?   It turns out they are an entire group of friends she met in elementary school who all socialize together in a getaway at least once a year.  Naturally, Drake and I went to see her and met all her friends.  Several women in the group said to me during the day we spent with them, "Oh, I know you.  J talks about you all the time."  Now, one of those women has had a health crisis, and I've started writing her.  My friend is your friend.  

The internet has helped us reconnect or stay connected.  In the pre-electronic age, when you moved away, you lost all your friends. Oh, you had the best of intentions.  You vowed you'd write at least once a week since you couldn't imagine your life without that person. (One had to write because 'long distance' was expensive and reserved for the direst of emergencies or the most wonderful of news.)   And you tried; truly you did.  But those letters petered out pretty quickly.  The reality was at best you might maintain a Christmas card relationship with an annual letter tucked inside.

I so admire those 18th century letter writers like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson who maintained their relationship with letters from 1777 to 1826.  (FYI - If you go to Monticello, Jefferson's home, you can see his invention of a device which wrote two letters simultaneously, so he would have a copy of what he wrote.)  Franklin was famous for his correspondence with women.  I currently have a snail mail correspondent who writes me two or three times a week.  I'm in awe of her.

Personally, I think faster than I can write by hand, and my handwritten letters are often gobbley-gook with missing nouns and verbs.  I'm much, much better at typing, so the computer with email AND the ability to write and save snail mail letters to print, AND send e-cards is a big winner for me and my relationships.

Even with the computer, social networking, texting, and phoning you can't always consistently maintain extremely close relationships.  It seems like the closer you are, the more emotionally charged the relationship.  These are the people who know you down to your bones.  Like your mother. Like your aunt.  Like your sister.  Like your best friend(s).   My oldest friend (oh, how she's going to love that designation) and I met when we were eleven. Oh, she certainly knows all my flaws as I know hers, and we've fallen in and out with one another over fifty plus years.  Sometimes I think having periods of not speaking to someone is a yardstick of how close the two of you are.

I also have a significant number of relationships which I do not have to nurture.  These are not casual relationships, but steady constant friendships in my life.  If you asked us to rate our closeness on a 1-10 scale, we would rate our relationship as extremely close. Yet, I don't have to live in these women's hip pockets.  Close enough that I could call this handful of friends and say, "I need you." and they would appear as quickly as they could even if it meant planes, trains and automobiles.

I pick up casual relationships like other folks eat jellybeans.  Frankly, I find people fascinating.  Drake says this shows like a neon sign above my head.  Must be so because even I sense people are drawn to me.  It's all about being open.  Mostly I like meeting new people and getting to know them and learning about them.  One of my best friends had a 'you must meet 99% of my friendship criteria before I will waste my time with you' attitude. Not only did I find that baffling, but frankly, a very undesirable part of her.  I think every person has something to offer.  Look at it this way, everyone has talent, and I enjoy looking for it.  

One of my worst characteristics involves relationships.  I guess it's best described as, 'when I'm done, I'm done'.  If you do something which I consider beyond the pale, and continue to do it, then I'm finished with you.  Here's an example from my own family.  My extremely self-centered brother contemplated moving to Florida from Oklahoma when his son was young.  (He had been divorced a year or so.)  It was clear he planned to abandon his child - if not financially, then certainly emotionally. My relationship with him was always very difficult, and our adult relationship had evolved at that point to he disappointed me and I forgave him. When he extolled his Florida plan, I looked him straight in the eye and told him, I knew he was planning abandonment, and if he went through with the move, then he was to never contact me again.  Well, nobody knows you like your sibling, and he decided it wasn't in his best interest to move to Florida.  

Writing this blog has nurtured relationships which otherwise would have evaporated. Several people, who I've met fleetingly, read this blog, and they have become friends.  I sat next to one woman at church in Mississippi seven years ago, and she started reading and commenting and sharing.  Now, we are friends.  I also have what I think of as ghost readers. They read, but they seldom let me know they are reading.  Whenever I hear from them, it's always a pleasant and gratifying surprise.

Now, I have empirical evidence which validates what I've known all along.   You just can't have too many friends, and I mean the real kind, not the Facebook or Linkedin kind. Cultivating friendships and spending time with people either in the flesh or electronically and using real communication are the basis of relationship, and ultimately you will be happier.  If you don't believe me, read the Harvard study.