I sent a package of books recently as a Christmas gift for a child. "Dad" promptly got on email and let me know not only they had arrived, but he appreciated my thoughtfulness. Sadly, I was surprised. As the electronic age is starting to percolate steadily throughout our society, and with all our new found ways of keeping in touch with one another via email, skype, social media, texting, IMing, blogging, and twittering, one would suppose acknowledging gifts would be on the uptick. Oh, that is such a pipe dream.
I face to face give as well as send lots of gifts by mail. I buy gifts for five children. I send holiday cards, and I don't just mean Christmas cards. I send stuff by snail mail and electronically. I send postcards regularly to four children, so they can have the joy of 'getting mail'. I send family unsolicited gifts. I made and gave kimonos to nine women this past year during the wedding celebration.
I really spent lots of time and effort making the kimonos, so they weren't just a 'go to the store, survey the aisles and grab something' gift. I hate those kind anyway. Just as a personal survey, and knowing my feelings would be hurt if they weren't formally acknowledged, I LITERALLY said as the kimonos were opened: "I spent time, effort and love making these; I expect a thank you note. Can you believe that one person didn't bother? I could. I was pleased that eight of the nine 'got it'. The one who didn't? Well, let's just say my feelings about her have changed.
In my childhood household, it was not just encouraged, or suggested, it was demanded whenever I received a gift, a thank you note to the giver would follow within five days. Five days was my mother's arbitrary limit of how much time could pass before I (and by proxy, her) would lose face by not writing a thank you note. I was equally inflexible with Sarah. Children do not 'know' they should make a special effort to acknowledge gifts: It has to be taught. I can hear the eye rolling from the parental readers. "Don't you understand how difficult it is to work, manage a household, feed everybody, and get SOME sleep?" Yes. I do. I did it. I'm wondering what are your priorities since getting along with people has to be a number one social skill? Teaching manners should be on the short list of parenting.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Life is short, but there's always time enough for courtesy." Manners, of which acknowledging gifts is just one of a set, show respect both for yourself and for others. We are a social, herd animal. Using manners with one another is the way our herds function best. You never have to worry about 'political correctness' if you have a polished set of manners. Good manners allow you to make a great first impression in this age of 'networking'. They are social armor you wear into an unknown group of others.
I long ago decided to cut children some thank you note slack especially if their parents are ignorant or lazy. However, even I have a line in the sand: If you are a child to whom I give gifts, then you can expect me to suffer your poor manners until you are sixteen. Then, at 17, you get a 'second chance' to step up and make an acknowledgement. After that, there are no more gifts. I don't care who you are as my unmannered nephew discovered upon his high school graduation.
I think I'll continue to be an old fogey and completely out of touch in the 21st century with my unreasonable expectations on this issue. At some point, though, if you stop hearing from me, or receiving those notes or cards or gifts, you can bet that I finally got fed up with your lack of manners.
3 comments:
Thank you Jan for this reminder of manners...inexcusably I am guilty of this more times than not. I have a thank you card that I have actually written out to mail sitting on my desk at school...I beg my children to write thank you notes to their grandparents and other family members that send them gifts, but they rarely get written with the sincerity that they should be written. This will be a goal of mine this year for my family. I will make those demands that we as a family sit down and write the sincere Thank You cards that should be willingly done.
My goal this year is to actually mail out my Chrsitmas cards! Thank you for the reminder that we need to teach our children and remind ourselves to take the time to appreciate the time and efforts of the gift giver...
I do appreciate good manners when it comes to the "please's, thank you's, excuse me's, etc., but I really detest having to mail anything. I don't know what it is but, for me, it is like doing my taxes -- stuck in, "I don't want to." I have no problem with picking up the phone and saying, "Thank You". I do want some kind of acknowledgment but it doesn't have to be a written thank you note. In fact, when I do receive those, I feel guilty because I know I don't like writing them myself. Maybe it was because my mother made me do it as a child. Hmmm. Regardless, I do think it is wonderful when good manners are displayed. God bless!
Thank you, Jan, for a blog message readers need to hear. This afternoon I have just finished reading to a little 5-yr old princess a book entitled "Please Say Please." Of course, it's about manners. Just yesterday when she came over from next door, I had to correct her for responding several times with "What?" I told her she is to say "Mam?" And today I explained to her why...that children are to be respectful of adults. Hopefully, I am helping her. I agree with you completely about thank you notes, but sadly many adults don't do it either.
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