Birthday Blues

When I was 25, I looked around my family and realized I had three living grandparents.  I did some arithmetic and it dawned on me that based on my genetics, I was going to live a very long time barring the stupidity accidents of youth or the fickle finger of fate.  I resolved that year that I would never ever let 'getting old' bother me.   An easy resolution when one is 25 and can barely imagine what old age really means.  At 30 I felt like I had just barely hit my stride and I mostly remember my late 20's and early 30's as being the time our travel mania really started - we spent a 30 day vacation in Europe the year I was 30.  When I was 35, I didn't have time to worry about getting older - I was the mother of a new baby - literally:  I turned 35 on the 25th of September and Sarah Lynn was born at noon on the 26th. 

That pretty much took care of birthdays for the next 20 years.  Our individual birthdays evolved into Birthday Week (me, Sarah and Drake all have our birthdays in the same week - Drake's birthday is the 29th).  That was always fun, and the focus was always on Sarah's birthday rather than ours.  Birthdays were fun filled family and friend times, and they involved a lot of cake.  I didn't have the time or energy to be concerned that life was winging by. 

My 50's were the proverbial best of times and worst of times.  That's the only way to put it.  That's when chronic pain started.  My closest friend died.  My mother and brother died, my father lost his mind, and became a shell.  They were also good.  Sarah did high school just like a female clone of Wally Cleaver.  She enjoyed all of it, and she achieved to her potential.  We got to participate in her extra-curricular activities and knew to savor them since she would be leaving home soon.  I didn't really have 'empty nest' problems since she was the blip in our lives rather than the total focus.  We had spent so much time together as a childless couple (15 years) before she arrived, it was pretty easy to slip back into that mode.  We got her launched into the world, and we congratulated ourselves on a job well done. 

Now that my 60's have arrived - I'm 61 this year, and have been since January.  (FYI:  Since I was born in 1950, it's always been easier to just change my age on January 1st rather than wait until the end of September.  That way, I always know how old I am.  I know, I know, - bizarre - but it's always worked for me.)  I'm struggling coming to grips with a life that is more than half over.  I can't be having a mid-life crisis, since I'm way past that age.  What I'm having is a sense of sadness.  I have been thinking about these feelings quite a bit over the past year.  The rational part of my mind is saying:  You're being ridiculous!  No one can predict what the future will hold - Lord knows that I've learned that over the past five years.  Stop this pity party:  You have a wonderful life, and your concentration should be focused on enjoying each lovely day.  I do believe these things, but there's still an underlying sadness that I haven't been able to shake off.

Here's why I've been feeling sad:  The upcoming milestones of a 60+ life are not ones I want to experience.  Losing my husband?  Watching friends die?  Declining health?  Losing my marbles?  None of those seem like experiences that I'm jumping up and down to encounter.  

Instinctively I know this is not a good mental place to be.  I guess it's time to follow my tried and true prescription for getting myself into a good place.  It's such a struggle to change your mentality.  What is it about human nature that tends to focus on hand wringing?  I've spent way too much time in the past months focusing on the what if, how will I cope, what will I do. 

It's time to grit my teeth and refocus:  Here is my list of blessings that have been rained down upon me:  1)  I have a husband who loves me without bounds and makes me feel like I'm still the bee's knees.  2)  I have a daughter who admires me and loves me almost more than she can tell me.  3)  I have more friends than I can count, and I'm still making new ones.  4)  I have intense friendships with many people of all different ages and backgrounds that enrich my life immeasurably each day.  5)  I'm living a long held personal dream.  6)  I've become an artist and writer (apparently) allowing me to use my creative energy.  7)  I can walk.  8)  I'm still learning new things.  9)  I'm surrounded by the kind of beauty only God can create.   There are, of course, many more, but I wanted to hit the high points and not focus on minutiae.  

As I look over this list, I've realized the obvious - something so easy to forget - each day of my life holds possibilities, and yes, some of the possibilities will be ones I'd rather not have, but so, so many more of life's possibilities are chances to be faithful, be loving, be generous, be helpful, be compassionate, be clever, be interesting and to laugh.   I think that's the life I'm going to focus on - and age doesn't have anything to do with those possibilities, only attitude.

So, I've managed to cheer myself up.  It will last a while, but it's going to take that grit to turn my heart away from the sad milestones ahead of me.  OK, I'm done.  I'm going to print out my list and post it where I can read it until I get this sadness business chased away.  

I've received lots and lots of birthday wishes today, and I do appreciate the thoughts.   My friends will be somewhat alarmed upon reading this since I'm most often that 'glass is not only half full, but usually brimming over with something great' kind of a woman.  Maybe facing these not so positive feelings will make me appreciate my usual optimism.  Smiles, hugs and squeezes to everyone who has thought of me today. 

You know I'm feeling better when I can post this picture celebrating a strawberry snowcone!